Day 1 High Altitude Meditation Retreat with Delson Armstrong and Doug Kraft-Lessons From the Flood

Some of you may have heard that three weeks ago we had a flash flood at Dhammasuka Meditation Center. And a flash flood doesn't really mean a lot. And to me also it didn't really mean a lot, because you hear these warnings and we never really take them that seriously. Flash flood, whatever. And for those of you who have been at the Meditation Center, you may be familiar with the way it's positioned.

So there is a lower level, and then you drive up or walk up to the upper level, which has the main meditation hall and meditation cabins, dining hall and so on. And then down below is really the monastic area and the teacher's residences. So I live, or lived, over there. And I was in a cabin called Nirodha.

So I was always in Nirodha, right? And a good friend of mine, Bhante Kusala, he's a wonderful monk. He's somebody who is a kind of monastic that I really appreciate, because he says it's all about the spirit of the law rather than the letter of the law. And he came over. He stayed in a cabin that was perpendicular to mine, which is called the Eightfold Path.

And we were talking about the future of Dhammasuka, funnily enough, that evening when he came. And we talked about, you know, what do we look at? What's Dhammasuka? Is it more monastic, or is it more of a meditation center? And at the end of the day, we said, let's just let the universe decide. Let's just see how things progress.

And the next night, it started raining around 9.30. And it didn't, it did not stop. It kept raining and raining and raining and raining until like, till three in the morning or something. And somewhere around 9.30. And somewhere around 2.30, maybe 2.50, I woke up. Something just kind of woke me up. And I looked at my phone and I saw these messages from Bhante Khusala. And I saw these photos and videos. And he was taking videos of just outside of his cabin where the water was starting to flood his cabin. And you could see a little bit because the flashes of lightning would show you the water level. And, you know, you could still hear the rain.

And I could hear the rain. And I could hear distress in his voice. He sent a voice message. And he said, Delson, I have left the cabin and I am hanging from a tree. And you need to stay in the cabin and be safe. I hope you get this message.

And I went to the door that I usually use to go out. And I tried to look through the window of the door. And I couldn't see anything, because it was pitch dark outside. You could kind of see flashes of lightning. And I'm wondering, how serious is this? And before I could do anything else, water started seeping into the cabin through the door. And I said, this is a problem. And I called up two people who were on the upper level.

And I said, the cabin is starting to flood. And the person on the other line said, oh, how bad is it? And I said, well, it's only maybe a few inches. It's starting to get up more. And before I could say anything else, the door slammed open. And there was a gush of water that just fully submerged the cabin.

So I had a big cabinet that you would need like four strong men to move. That had turned into just piles of wood. And so I actually jumbled everything in my cabin. My sofa was sideways. My bed was upside down. That one cabinet that I had, which had my clothes, was just upside down. The TV was swept through. You know, it was a disaster. It was a big disaster. And I was caught off guard. And I was just trying to stay afloat.

The water had gone up to probably 10 to 12 feet. It was reaching the ceiling. So it was something out of the Titanic. It was like the water was a force. And so you couldn't even swim with the force of the water. So I was just trying to stay afloat. I almost drowned.

And I had a chair that I used as sort of a flotation device to keep afloat. And luckily, even though my phone was submerged in the water, I picked it up and I was still able to use it. By then, it was pitch dark. So I turned on the flashlight on my phone. I was still on the phone with the person on the other side. And I said, now the entire cabin is submerged.

And she couldn't believe it. She was like, no way. This is not happening. They called up 911 a few times all through the night. And I said, you need to get down here. This is a very bad situation. Bhante Kusala is hanging on a tree. They were flustered. They were shocked that this was actually going on, because up there on the upper level, there was no sign of anything going on.

So they tried to bring their car down. But the water was so high up. For those of you who know the setup of Dhammasuka, it was basically halfway uphill. So there was no way the water could, I mean, the SUV could go and try to bring us. And by this time, probably before then, the cabin had shifted. It had turned into Noah's Ark. It was on a vortex of water that just took the Eightfold Path cabin and pushed it towards Bhante Vimalaramsi's cabin.

Right. So it moved 300 meters all this time. It was on a slant. So I'm trying to stay alive and keeping the phone kind of dry by keeping it up here on speaker and trying to hold on to the ledge that would lead to the attic. I was fighting for my life. I was fighting for my life.

And at some point, the water started receding. And I was able to find a ladder and take it to the other side, which was less wet, and get up onto the attic. Now, in that process, there was a glass coffee table and it had shattered. So I think what happened is, while I was trying to stay afloat, it cut open my foot. So you can see the scar over here.

And there was tissue just coming out. It was a very gory thing. So I climbed up and I saw the cut on the wound. And the first thought was, I hope I don't bleed to death, because there's no way anything, you know, there's nothing that can happen that would help someone rescue us. And in all that, there's nothing that can happen. And I don't be able to go and rescue us. And in all that process, the person on the other end of the phone said, we've called 911 and they've told us that they found the guys. And I said, no, you haven't. We're still here. So there was some kind of miscommunication.

And all I was doing was using my flashlight to look at the doorknob of the door. Because if it went beyond the doorknob, then I knew I was in the doorknob of the door. And I was in trouble. I was in trouble. If it receded, okay, there's safety. So it kept, you know, rising and receding, rising and receding. And luckily, I think, you know, two windows had shattered. So it helped to displace the water in some ways.

And all I was doing was, you know, sitting there waiting to see what could be done. And the water, while it was rising and receding, there was a lot of rainfall. And so the rainfall in my mind was a sign of danger. So whenever the rain was picking up, it was like, this is a problem. When it stopped raining, there was some relief.

And around daybreak, I was able to peer outside the window of the attic and see that the water was starting to recede. And I was trying to make sense of where exactly I was, because I saw a cabin behind me, which is never the case, you know, where my cabin was supposed to be. So I was going to make sense of where I was going to be. So I had to jump from the attic, because the ladder floated away in that process of the flooding.

And so I had to jump, and I jumped onto a soft portion of a dishcloth sofa that was there, and walked through the debris and walked outside, and it was just, you know, trees, fallen trees, branches, just couldn't make sense of anything. And he said, let's get out of here. So I walked out with him and we walked through the forest. Now my impression was, I thought we were walking uphill, you know, towards the upper level, but we were actually walking on the other side, and we got onto the road that was leading towards the entrance of the center.

And I took with me a white cloth, some sparkling water that was there, and my hand sanitizer. So what we did was we rinsed the wound with the sparkling water, put some hand sanitizer on it, tore a piece from the cloth and then tied it. And while we were doing that, as we were walking, we saw three of the first responders over there and we shouted to them and said, Hey, here we are, you know, and they saw us. And then we saw some of the students, because this was the last day of the retreat that I was giving.

And they saw the last day of the retreat that I was giving. And they saw us, and we waved to some of them, we waved to the manager. And they saw that we were fine, kind of. And one of the first responders said, you know, we're not able to bring the ambulance here. You're going to have to walk. So we had to walk a mile through floodwaters to get to the ambulance. Now, Bhante Kusala, he also had some damage. There was a log that shattered. Well, it kind of just punctured through his chest, through the rib.

And they said that if it was any few inches below, it would have pierced his liver, and that would have been the end. So he had to go and get some stitches as well. In any case, we finally made it to the ambulance. They took us to the hospital. We had nothing, right? All our clothes were gone. Just the clothes on our back. And Bhante just had a t-shirt on and some socks. And I had no shoes. And I was just walking. So at the hospital, they stitched us up. They cleaned us up. They stitched us up. And they said, okay, you're good to go.

They gave us psychiatric ward scrubs. So we looked like a couple of escaped mental patients when we went to the cafeteria. You know, ordered a couple of hot dogs. So we were going to go. And we went to the hotel. And we went to a different hotel. And he said, fair enough. And he took us to the Hampton Inn nearby.

So I could see the expression on the front desk's face. He was just trying to figure out what is going on here. You know, it's not every day you see two people. And my hair was all like, you know, wiry. And we looked really bad. And I was like, what is going on? But I showed my credit card, which I had, because I had it in my phone. I said, we're here to check in. So we did. And then that afternoon, we went to Walmart to go shopping for clothes.

Luckily, Bhante Kusala was able to go to the gift shop in the hospital and get us some other clothes. And he got me this blue shirt that says, living my best life or something like that. So, but you know, it was a harrowing ordeal. But the reason I'm bringing all of this up is because, you know, when you look back on an experience like that, where does your mind go? What does your mind take refuge in?

Does it take refuge in the Buddha, Dhamma, and Sangha? Does it pray and say, oh God, help me? What does it do? You know, everybody's mind will respond differently. In my mind, there was no taking refuge in Buddha, Dhamma, and Sangha. There was no God, help me. There was just the pure, primal awareness that I have to survive.

The pure will and instinct, the drive to live. And so, upon reflection, when I think about all of this, some of the things that come to mind is that when we are faced with death, how are we going to approach it? How are we going to leave with some level of peace and acceptance, if anything?

I have said this before, and I stand by it. I personally believe that most forms of spirituality, from my experience, have basically now become forms of entertainment. Just to pass the time. You know, we spend our lives gathering a technique, getting initiations, reading so many different kinds of books. And so many people who lived 2,000 or 2,500 or 3,000 or 5,000 years ago, who never had the context of the life we live here right now.

Is it a collection of different personal preferences? Is it the concepts that I've picked up and made into my security as conclusions, right? We love conclusions. We love to have something where we can say, this is the truth. This is who I am. This is what I know. But another question to ask yourself beyond that is, what is it that I know? Is this something for you to reflect upon?

In your last moments, are you going to think about, I was a Kriya Yoga sixth initiate? Are you going to think about, I was able to experience the eighth jhana in cessation? Are you going to think about, this is the empowerment I got and I was able to experience the eighth jhana in cessation? Are you going to think about, this is the empowerment I got and I was able to experience the eighth jhana in cessation? Are you going to think about, this is the empowerment I got and I was able to experience the eighth jhana. No.

You're going to think about, can I stay a moment longer? Can I stay with my family? Can I be with the people I love? Just one more moment. Just one more moment. That will be your last thoughts. And it's okay. It's okay to think that.

But how do you make peace with that? How do you register that? How does it come to you? And what do you do with it? That's the question to ask. When everything fades away, what remains? And the mind will say, what remains? And the mind will say, oh, it's Nibbana, it's Rigpa, it's pure awareness, it's Brahman, it's Christ consciousness, it's Samadhi, it's all of these things. What are these? What are these? These are all concepts.

What remains is to use concepts. Is the mirror. And the mirror is always there. And the mind that concludes is a reflection of what it sees. The word Nibbana is not Nibbana. The word freedom is not freedom. When you experience a peak moment in your life, be in it completely. Without trying to make sense of it.

Hard to do. Because the mind comes up and says, oh, what was that? And it starts to produce and it complexifies and proliferates and says, oh, that must have been this, that must have been that, and that must have been this. It compares to the experiences it has had before. And someone like me will come and say, congratulations, congratulations, you're now a stream enterer, and now you have experienced Nibbana, right? And then your mind will be very proud and happy and elated.

And it will come to that conclusion, and it will reify that conclusion. It will say, oh, yes, this is what I have attained. But when death comes, none of those thoughts will arise. It's a wonderful thing to do a practice that gives you peace and solace and happiness and joy. But when the very thing that gives you peace and happiness and joy and solace becomes an object of craving and clinging, then one of two things has happened. One of two things has happened.

You have either outgrown that, or you have lost perspective on what it is, which is merely just a raft to go to the other shore. So what is it that remains? Now when I ask you, now when I ask this question, your mind will say, it's this and that and the other. Watch that. See what happens just before the mind concludes.

If you think about it in this way, there is the natural mind and there is the thinking mind, let's say. There is the empty cognizance, the luminous awareness that's there, that's in some sense always there. When you let go of all proliferation and all concepts and ideas,

there is something there. But then the mind, that is the thinking mind, concludes and says, ah, yes, this is empty cognizance. This is the luminosity. You're no longer in it. Every time you conclude, every time you point, fine. Let it be there for the satisfaction of your thinking mind, your conceptual mind, that indeed, yes, this is what I've experienced. That indeed, yes, this is what I've experienced. Let the ego be happy. But then do away with it. That's all I have for you now.